11-13-2011, 05:00 AM
All right, Sad Prudie is going to say sad things that have been gnawing at her for over three years now.
I can't drive. I used to be able to drive, sort of. I've had licenses. I have let them expire many times, because I just didn't drive most of the time and I never liked it. If you live around mass transportation, or if you work with someone(s) close who can drive, this is not a very big deal. Otherwise, you are relying on other people to get you to work and to everywhere, and the only times this is not the case are when the places you're working at are walking distance. Not everything you want or need is going to be walking distance. If you're a traveler, that is also not such a big deal. You'll get out of wherever you are, sooner or later, and you'll come across what it is you want. If you are not a traveler, then you have to wait for much longer stretches of time for people to never get the hint and then you have to sound whiny. It really stinks to be an adult who was used to feeling more independent and being able to get to places without feeling like a burden (because I pulled more than my own weight, so to speak), and for that to change into feeling much more dependent and like a burden while, ironically, being technically independent in a different sense. I wasn't independent in the "old days", but there were ways that I felt more so. I am very ironically more financially dependent, and certainly more dependent on other people's schedules, while working for myself and living life on my terms in a place that requires driving where I cannot drive.
I cannot drive anymore. Medically, I can no longer drive. I was never very good at driving or for that matter steering, in my opinion, and I was always scared of controlling vehicles bigger than a bicycle or canoe. I was even scared of controlling things like ATVs or jet skis, because controlling motors is scary for me. In sum, I was always scared of navigating anything with a motor and anything "too wide" in proportion to my body. Once in a while, I would drive, but it wasn't enough to give me the lifetime practice to prevent this (no longer being able to drive) from happening. I live in a city, but it is a small city without mass transportation. In respect to the driving dilemma, all that will change when we move to a different house will be that it will be a little more irrelevant walking distance to the small city without mass transportation. If I were to drive again, I am sure I would die behind the wheel.
So... I am brokenhearted to say this, but maybe nostalgic memories of the past decade are not worth staying somewhere where getting to places is so inconvenient. I do not want my dream house to feel like a glorious pyramid, that is, for it to feel like a grand tomb for me. When I think of the fact that I'll most likely die there, eventually, that adds to it feeling like a grand tomb and it's nowhere near finished and here I am already thinking of it as a tomb.
My husband was offended when I made the tomb analogy, and I don't blame him. He is a provider by nature, for which I am grateful, but when the younger women in my home, one who isn't even a full adult yet, are more independent than me because they can drive, and it is hard to get children places much less get yourself places without driving...
I feel trapped!
I don't want to throw our plans away, and James' family will take back their support of their cabin if only Ben's family is in it and Ben's family alone doesn't need that much space anyway, but I feel so sad about this and I think my sadness is more than a result of being overemotional. I've bottled this up for so long. Three years ago, it was in the back of my mind, though I was more concerned that my relationship was too good to last and afraid the wedding would be canceled. Well, here I am now, and that thankfully didn't happen. But as for the problem of losing semblance of independence, well, it turned out that I was right to be concerned.
I... don't know that I can live the rest of my life like this. I can't just beg the district to reinstate mass transit that they had decades before I knew the district existed. No one uses the types of transit they used then, any more, anyway. Getting so much as a bus system* would require too many other districts agreeing, and no one in power is going to care about the needs of the scarce few non-driving adults.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
* We do have a school bus system. That doesn't count. It has one specific purpose, and it doesn't go to everywhere because it doesn't think dirt roads count as roads. That doesn't much matter, though, with where locations of schools are, and this is irrelevant to all of the above and has nothing to do with why I am sad.
I can't drive. I used to be able to drive, sort of. I've had licenses. I have let them expire many times, because I just didn't drive most of the time and I never liked it. If you live around mass transportation, or if you work with someone(s) close who can drive, this is not a very big deal. Otherwise, you are relying on other people to get you to work and to everywhere, and the only times this is not the case are when the places you're working at are walking distance. Not everything you want or need is going to be walking distance. If you're a traveler, that is also not such a big deal. You'll get out of wherever you are, sooner or later, and you'll come across what it is you want. If you are not a traveler, then you have to wait for much longer stretches of time for people to never get the hint and then you have to sound whiny. It really stinks to be an adult who was used to feeling more independent and being able to get to places without feeling like a burden (because I pulled more than my own weight, so to speak), and for that to change into feeling much more dependent and like a burden while, ironically, being technically independent in a different sense. I wasn't independent in the "old days", but there were ways that I felt more so. I am very ironically more financially dependent, and certainly more dependent on other people's schedules, while working for myself and living life on my terms in a place that requires driving where I cannot drive.
I cannot drive anymore. Medically, I can no longer drive. I was never very good at driving or for that matter steering, in my opinion, and I was always scared of controlling vehicles bigger than a bicycle or canoe. I was even scared of controlling things like ATVs or jet skis, because controlling motors is scary for me. In sum, I was always scared of navigating anything with a motor and anything "too wide" in proportion to my body. Once in a while, I would drive, but it wasn't enough to give me the lifetime practice to prevent this (no longer being able to drive) from happening. I live in a city, but it is a small city without mass transportation. In respect to the driving dilemma, all that will change when we move to a different house will be that it will be a little more irrelevant walking distance to the small city without mass transportation. If I were to drive again, I am sure I would die behind the wheel.
So... I am brokenhearted to say this, but maybe nostalgic memories of the past decade are not worth staying somewhere where getting to places is so inconvenient. I do not want my dream house to feel like a glorious pyramid, that is, for it to feel like a grand tomb for me. When I think of the fact that I'll most likely die there, eventually, that adds to it feeling like a grand tomb and it's nowhere near finished and here I am already thinking of it as a tomb.
My husband was offended when I made the tomb analogy, and I don't blame him. He is a provider by nature, for which I am grateful, but when the younger women in my home, one who isn't even a full adult yet, are more independent than me because they can drive, and it is hard to get children places much less get yourself places without driving...
I feel trapped!
I don't want to throw our plans away, and James' family will take back their support of their cabin if only Ben's family is in it and Ben's family alone doesn't need that much space anyway, but I feel so sad about this and I think my sadness is more than a result of being overemotional. I've bottled this up for so long. Three years ago, it was in the back of my mind, though I was more concerned that my relationship was too good to last and afraid the wedding would be canceled. Well, here I am now, and that thankfully didn't happen. But as for the problem of losing semblance of independence, well, it turned out that I was right to be concerned.
I... don't know that I can live the rest of my life like this. I can't just beg the district to reinstate mass transit that they had decades before I knew the district existed. No one uses the types of transit they used then, any more, anyway. Getting so much as a bus system* would require too many other districts agreeing, and no one in power is going to care about the needs of the scarce few non-driving adults.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
* We do have a school bus system. That doesn't count. It has one specific purpose, and it doesn't go to everywhere because it doesn't think dirt roads count as roads. That doesn't much matter, though, with where locations of schools are, and this is irrelevant to all of the above and has nothing to do with why I am sad.
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