04-01-2011, 11:11 AM
Another upsetting award already. This time I was prepared. I simply did not show up last night. So what happened next? I jest not, one of the mayor's assistants found me leaving work today and handed me the award. He had the grace not to do this in front of students, at least.
This is crazy. This is partly my low self-esteem saying nothing I do is ever good enough to deserve anything. However, I truly do not think people should be rewarded for decency toward those who are different. That implies that said different people ought to be ignored or, worse, mistreated, because apparently anything better than that is sainthood.
Now that said, I have noticed that I do a lot of things without expecting recognition. I have been this way for a long time. Regardless of what I am doing and who I am doing it for, I don't think I do enough to earn any type of reward. I have many, many times in my life worked harder without pay than co-workers have worked with pay. The most recent time involved the job I currently have, though I am getting paid now (to make a long story short), and the past year of volunteer work, tutoring, and doing inventory for James' family, all without pay or obligation, are other very recent examples. It is a fear of rejection coupled with thinking that everything I do is worthless, that I don't deserve payment. Every one of my whole life's exceptions to avoiding asking for pay were out of either necessity or people insisting that I ask for whatever reasons. These feelings of worthlessness also played a part in dynamics between Ben and I. Because Ben is my brother and someone I can joke with, I was braver with him than with most employers. Nonetheless, though - !
I think I am stuck in the Industry Versus Inferiority stage.
As a child, I wanted to be seen as competent and was very crushed when that did not happen. Thus I stopped expecting to be good at anything and instead expected incompetence at everything. There are many stages one can get stuck in. I am also partly stuck in Trust Versus Mistrust, the 0 to 2 Years stage, though I now know many whom I trust and so that has improved greatly. One would think appreciation would improve IvI. It is only making it more obvious instead.
While I'll always be stuck to some extent, I hope I improve.
But I hope no one is given a plaque and a standing ovation for being nice to me in the process.
~
Funny thing is, people think I am confident. I am outgoing, outspoken, silly, responsible where it matters, and full of life. No one has any idea that I lack confidence unless they have been through something dramatic with me and/or unless I have explained this sort of thing to them. Someone who I thought knew me very well told me tonight, after we had discussed what could have been had another friend gotten better luck,
Goodness gracious gravy gum.
So if Grapes had been born normal and/or had a good childhood, she would have been the Berry Princess before Cranberry. . .
This is crazy. This is partly my low self-esteem saying nothing I do is ever good enough to deserve anything. However, I truly do not think people should be rewarded for decency toward those who are different. That implies that said different people ought to be ignored or, worse, mistreated, because apparently anything better than that is sainthood.
Now that said, I have noticed that I do a lot of things without expecting recognition. I have been this way for a long time. Regardless of what I am doing and who I am doing it for, I don't think I do enough to earn any type of reward. I have many, many times in my life worked harder without pay than co-workers have worked with pay. The most recent time involved the job I currently have, though I am getting paid now (to make a long story short), and the past year of volunteer work, tutoring, and doing inventory for James' family, all without pay or obligation, are other very recent examples. It is a fear of rejection coupled with thinking that everything I do is worthless, that I don't deserve payment. Every one of my whole life's exceptions to avoiding asking for pay were out of either necessity or people insisting that I ask for whatever reasons. These feelings of worthlessness also played a part in dynamics between Ben and I. Because Ben is my brother and someone I can joke with, I was braver with him than with most employers. Nonetheless, though - !
I think I am stuck in the Industry Versus Inferiority stage.
Quote:Age: 6 to 12 Years
Ego Development Outcome: Industry vs. Inferiority
Basic Strengths: Method and Competence
During this stage, often called the Latency, we are capable of learning, creating and accomplishing numerous new skills and knowledge, thus developing a sense of industry. This is also a very social stage of development and if we experience unresolved feelings of inadequacy and inferiority among our peers, we can have serious problems in terms of competence and self-esteem.
As a child, I wanted to be seen as competent and was very crushed when that did not happen. Thus I stopped expecting to be good at anything and instead expected incompetence at everything. There are many stages one can get stuck in. I am also partly stuck in Trust Versus Mistrust, the 0 to 2 Years stage, though I now know many whom I trust and so that has improved greatly. One would think appreciation would improve IvI. It is only making it more obvious instead.
While I'll always be stuck to some extent, I hope I improve.
But I hope no one is given a plaque and a standing ovation for being nice to me in the process.
~
Funny thing is, people think I am confident. I am outgoing, outspoken, silly, responsible where it matters, and full of life. No one has any idea that I lack confidence unless they have been through something dramatic with me and/or unless I have explained this sort of thing to them. Someone who I thought knew me very well told me tonight, after we had discussed what could have been had another friend gotten better luck,
Quote:"If you were normal, you would be very strong. You would be able to convince anyone to do anything good because your spunky personality would win people over so much that they would gladly do whatever you said. You would be very strong in all ways."
"Why?"
"Look at how outgoing and confident you are!"
"I'm not confident. I have horrible confidence."
"Then you hide it very well!"
Goodness gracious gravy gum.
So if Grapes had been born normal and/or had a good childhood, she would have been the Berry Princess before Cranberry. . .